Hatter's Embarrassing Breakfast
by Niphuria
Summary: Hatter has a problem at breakfast this morning, but when he tries to explain it to his friends, none of them believe him! Only Alice knows the truth... Rated M to be safe.


**Hatter's Embarrassing Breakfast**

I do not own "Alice in Wonderland" or any of its characters. Rated M to be on the safe side.

* * *

Tarrant Hightopp grimaced a little as he dressed for breakfast. Alice was already outside setting the tea table and filling the trays with scones and pastries and various pleasing breakfast items. And, of course, placing the tea cups, spoons, and saucers.

Tarrant grimaced because his backside was sore. Oh, he didn't regret it at all. As a matter of fact he was actually pleased. He had coaxed his sweetling into doing something to him in bed last night that she had been reluctant to do before. But once she had realised she wasn't injuring him and how much he...well...like it, craved it, even, she had given him just what he asked for. And then a little more! He glanced back into the bedroom at the leather strap on the floor and smiled. He had a few welts and spots, but other than that, he was none the worse for wear.

Hmmm...he wondered, as he put on his coat and top hat, when would she do it again? Soon, he hoped! Ah, not only had he enjoyed the incredible mixture of pain and pleasure, but what followed was the hottest and most amazing...

"Tarrant!" Alice called suddenly, breaking his reverie. "We're all waiting for you!"

"Coming, sweetling!" he called back and rushed outside.

The morning was sunny and pleasantly warm. The scent of the flowers from their garden and the nearby lake was invigourating, and the food and tea on the table smelled positively delicious. Alice was waiting for him in the chair beside his, wearing the pink and yellow morning dress he had just completed for her yesterday with its complimenting small pink and yellow hat with a single pink rose at it side.

McTwisp and Mally were waiting impatiently.

"Tarrant!" Alice loudly whispered, "please sit down before the spoons and scones go flying! I don't want to have to dodge constant missiles this morning!"

He grinned and went to her. And sat down.

He immediately shot back upwards again. "Och!" he cried out in pain, slipping into brogue and grasping his backside. "That bloody hurt!"

Everyone was silent. Alice blushed crimson and lowered her gaze.

Finally McTwisp spoke. "Uh, Hatter, what hurts?"

"Meh bum!" he cried out. "Meh bum's painin' meh and I cannae sit!"

Alice giggled. She couldn't help it. She knew exactly why Tarrant's rear end was sore but she couldn't keep her face straight. She was able to stop her giggling as McTwisp and Mally looked to her but she couldn't hide her blush.

"What is wrong with your...uh...bum?" Mally asked timidly.

"Och...I...that is..."

Suddenly a spirit of mischief overcame Alice. "Yes, my love, why don't you answer her?" She stifled another giggle behind her hands.

Oh, so that's how she was going to be? Tarrant grinned widely back at her, eyes sparkling with mischief of his own.

"Verra well, lass, I'll tell 'er. Meh bum's sore because Alice decided I was a verra bad laddie last night and so she gave me a whippin' that..."

"Tarrant!" Alice gasped. "Why are you..."

"Telling such stories?" McTwisp blurted out. "I know you like to be the life of the party and all, but do you really think for one moment we would believe rot like that?"

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" Mally added. "Telling such stories! Why, poor Alice not only has to put up with your terrible jokes, but now to tell such a story...positively shameful of you!"

Hatter was stunned. Nobody believed him! And Alice wasn't going to tell the truth. She was still blushing behind her napkin but with a knowing smile she was just barely repressing. He gingerly sat back down. Very gingerly.

"I'm tellin' ye all, she..."

"Oh, stop it!" McTwisp said. "Don't even start that again. Why don't you just own up to the truth?"

"The truth? I tole yeh the bloody truth!" he said, once more trying to get their friends to believe him.

McTwisp sighed. "Mally, he's just embarrassed."

"I can see that," Mally responded. "Really, Hatter, if you have a hemorrhoid or a rash why not just admit it and get something from the Queen's doctor?"

"A rash? A hemorrhoid?! I dinnae hae either! I'm a tellin' yeh..."

"We know, we know," McTwisp sighed. "Alice just decided to turn evil and she whipped you raw. Right. Very convincing story, that."

Alice now began to laugh, tears rolling down her cheeks in mirth. "This is too funny!" she gasped.

"It is!" Mally agreed. "The Hatter has a rash or a...whatever McTwisp said, and he's too embarrassed to be a man about it and own up! Well, don't worry, Hatter. We'll help you. I'll go to the Queen's doctor and tell him about your...problem, and McTwisp will...er..."

"I'll go and ask the herbs and flowers for advice on how to treat rashes and hemorrhoids. If you are lucky they'll give me something I can make for you so you can treat your...problem."

Alice was now crying from laughter. Tarrant tried to glare at her but found that he couldn't. It **was **funny, he supposed. And he had brought it upon himself. But darned if the tables hadn't turned once again in favour of his Alice. Just looking at that sweet and innocent face of hers nobody would believe her capable of doing what she had done last night. Perhaps it was best to keep their little secret. After all, if anyone found out and Alice was embarrassed by it she likely wouldn't favour him with such attentions again, would she?

"Aye, ye've the right 'o it," he sighed. "It's a rash. That's all. Just don' be a tellin' the Queen's doc!"

"Very well, have it your way," McTwisp sighed. "But don't come crying to me if it gets worse."

"Oh, he won't," Alice suddenly said. "He certainly won't. He'll come crying to me." And she flashed a smile so bright that Tarrant found himself leaning over and kissing her flushed cheek.

"Jus' be sure yer there fer meh when I do!" he whispered. And he grinned when Alice blushed again.

"Tea, anyone?" Tarrant asked, raising the kettle.

* * *

Well, I hope you liked this. It's another snapshot of Alice and Tarrant's life together. It's shorter than I had intended it to be, but I think if I made it any longer it would have been too much. Any and all comments are welcomed!


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